Infernal Comms: the Write the Talk blog

Groupon: get a grip

There's news today that Groupon is being investigated by the OFT over its advertising practices, among other things. One suspects that the story will run and run, so some positive PR would help along the way.

Sadly, Groupon fell into a common trap and wheeled out someone to spout unhelpful gibberish:

"Groupon constantly strives for business practices that are in the best interest of consumers. We are constantly evolving business process to ensure customers receive the best possible experience at the highest standards."

Forgive me for intruding, but that's not going to help. The only people at whom that message can be directed are Groupon customers. You could make an argument for shareholders being the target audience, given the calamitous drop in the share price recently, but they're as interested as anybody in public sentiment towards the company.

So, in the circumstances, consultancy guff is not what's needed. "Constantly striving" sounds more like the effect of a severe bout of constipation than a genuine commitment to getting better. The only redeeming feature of "constantly evolving business process" is that it's an all-in-one winning line in Bullsh*t Bingo. As for "the best possible experience at the highest standards", repetition doesn't make misplaced hyperbole any more effective.

There are 32 words of emptiness, a banal vacuum where there should be a nugget of confidence and humility. It would have been much better to say something like:

We're always working on doing things better, but sometimes we might make a mistake. We'll work with the OFT to see if there's a problem, and we'll make sure our customers get the service they expect.

It might not be perfect, but it only took two minutes to sound like a real person instead of a spokesbot. In their position, I think Groupon could have done with taking a moment before jumping at the PR version of Buy it Now.

Writing a Personal Bio

For many, it's one of the most difficult things to write. Whether it's a few sentences for a social networking site, or a few paragraphs for a conference programme, writing a personal bio is the equivalent of being discovered in flagrante by your grandmother or remembering too late that, as a family film choice, Shakespeare in Love has too many booby moments.

Of course, it's actually worse than that. Because the big psychological issue is the fact that people will read what you write.

The fundamental question is this: "How can I write something about me without making it look like I'm a conceited buffoon, full of my own marvellousness and lacking in all self-knowledge and humility?"

Well, the first defence that people erect is that mysterious companion, the Third Person. Writing your bio as if someone else has penned it comes across as less boastful, doesn't it?

Sorry, it doesn't. In fact it probably does the opposite. Only the most famous and detached-from-reality get to have their bios written for them, so a third person approach makes it look like you're pretending it's an independent write-up. Falseness is no basis for a relationship.

Neither is lack of personality. Third person or not, stilted lists of achievements peppered with impressive, but unsubstantiated, adjectives will not make you any friends. Boastful and boring at the same time? This is going really well.

A good bio is easier than it sounds. Here are some tips:

• Always write in the first person. "I help businesses sound like they're run by human beings." It's direct, and you can say what you want to say and sound like you mean it;
• Write what you would say in conversation. Read it loud, and if it makes you sound like a candidate on The Apprentice, it's not working;
• Remember, the bio is not about you; it's about who's reading it. It's about convincing someone that you're worth knowing/following/listening to. And you'll achieve that by being yourself. People like people, not cardboard cut-outs or ham actors or success cyborgs. Think about the people you've helped, the fun you have, the things you're still learning about;
• It's good to allow some emotion in, so long as it's not passion ...;
• If you're really stuck, pretend you're writing a bio for your best friend, where that best friend is you. That way, you won't be afraid to include their best bits;
• Get some other people to do it, preferably people who know you well or represent the audience your bio will have. "What would you lot say about me?" can be a revealing question. Leave the sycophants and acolytes out though: this is no time to be believing the hype.

Above all, forget the notion that the bio is a statement of your magnificence. It's not. It's your Mini Me: a little self-sketch, with enough left in to attract the kind of people you like, but not so much detail that all curiosity is extinguished.

With a little practice you'll actually enjoy doing them. Really.

How big is your audience?

Almost everything you write is for many people to read (if only in your dreams). You may have an email distribution list of 10,000 addresses or be hoping for 50,000 website hits; either way you will be imagining a healthy audience. Let's assume I'm reading an article you've written that contains the following statement:

 “Many of you recognise the need for quality writing in your business.”

This may well be true of the group you are communicating with, but that's not the point. What you have done is put me, the reader, in a crowd which is being addressed by the literary equivalent of a megaphone. You've made me feel like a punter at Hyde Park Corner, listening to you warble on about your favourite topic. So if it's OK with you, I'm going to walk on; you've obviously got a big enough audience already.

If I hang around, I may consider the point you are trying to make: that some of the readers of your piece don't recognise the need for quality writing. Are you trying to make me feel uncomfortable, an outsider in a self-satisfied group of know-it-alls? Well, it's working, and I'm really going this time.

The alternative is simple: talk to one imaginary reader and do it directly and personally. Let your voice be inside her head, speaking to her privately. Not only will it be more effective but you will find your writing becomes more focused. You're showing that you are more interested in your reader than you are in listening to your own voice:

 “You recognise the need for quality writing in your business.”

That's got my attention now. Whether or not you're right, you are talking to me and me alone. In return I'm going to give you the opportunity to finish what you want to tell me.

One thing to remember: if you have trouble getting a clear mental picture of your reader for a particular piece of writing, then face up to the possibility that you have too many segments of your market in mind. Pick one – your writing will benefit, and the message will resonate much more with your reader.

That is exactly the effect you want to have: better the relevant words that make some people listen, than the general words that make everybody walk away.

Writing a good opening

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that writing in possession of a good message, must be in want of a strong opening.

OK, so it’s a clumsy version of one of the most famous opening lines in fiction*, but the intent is valid. It doesn’t matter how good a story you have to tell, how valuable your offers are, or how insightful your opinions, if your opening lines are poor the good things that follow may never get read.

Openings have three functions:

• grabbing attention. Readers, and particularly busy ones, are always asking themselves whether they are interested in reading on, whether they have better things to do. Anything you produce has to pass this test;

• setting up what comes later. It’s tempting to draw a reader in with something compelling or very topical … but completely unconnected with what follows. Don’t do it. At best it’s naff; at worst, it’s misleading and trust-breaking. Concentrate on making a bold statement or raising an intriguing question that a reader will want to see you support or resolve;

• first impressions. Like a handshake or that head-to-toe glance to take in what someone’s wearing, your opening creates a first impression that will colour your reader’s perception of what you say thereafter. Don’t be afraid to use a bit of personality to start building a relationship, and be interested in your reader if you want them to be interested in you. Remember you should be writing as if to a single reader, so what works in a social setting works in print.

The last thing I’ll say here about openings is that you don’t have to write them first. Get the bulk of the writing done then create the best opening you can. The greatest authors do it; so can you.

* It’s no accident that I picked the opening of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice to illustrate the importance of how to begin a piece of writing. Austen makes a bold statement that “a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.” No messing about there. The idea is the centrepiece of the whole book and isn’t just an attention-grabbing headline. We know quickly what we’re in for, in both style and substance, and what follows does not disappoint. We can all learn from the best.

Stephen Fry: Let it all hang out

If there is one person in the public eye who you'd have down as a language pedant, it would be His Wordship Stephen Fry. Classically educated and erudite, surely he would be first in line to smite apostrophe-abusers everywhere. Well, it turns out that's not the case, and everyone in business should listen to what he has to say.

In a recent podcast, Fry berates the punctuation-whingers and grammar-grumps for nit-picking their way into our attitudes to language. Instead of being intimidated by the fear of getting something wrong, he says, we should be embracing the richness of the english language. And there's no writing in more need of enrichment than business writing.

The unforgiveable wrong committed in most business communication is that all the life is squeezed out of this vast and colourful language we share. More importantly for business, it's commercially disastrous too.

If you use pity or boredom to underpin your sales pitch, doing the writing equivalent of standing quietly in the corner of the room or muttering business-like phrases to anyone passing, good luck to you. People are attracted to the interesting, the interested, those with personality and something different to say.

So build your business with language that entrances, excites and entertains, and remember:

• be clear to be understood

• be interesting to be remembered.

Writing with colour - will any hue do?

As Tom pointed out in an earlier comment, it's important to have colour in writing. Dullness just gives your reader another reason to go elsewhere, and few of us have the luxury of a tied reader.

But what is colour, and will any hue do?

The answer is no. Think decor and you will get the general idea of what is good and what isn't:

• colour should highlight and not obscure: the more people notice the colour, the less they notice your theme. Don't overdo it and you will attract the right kind of attention.
• choose well: a little bit of thought can bring out a phrase or description that's a good fit and says something about you. Pick up the obvious roll of woodchip or pot of magnolia and you'll do your writing a disservice.
• try not to mix your decoration too much: a bit of coordination between the images you use or the similes you employ can give nice balance to a piece's readability. Try it and see what happens.

So, no colouring by numbers. Look for opportunities to add something extra to what you write and you will make your writing your own.

Is it worth getting the words on your website done professionally?

I had a call from a prospective client this morning. He had been referred to me enthusisatically by a mutual colleague and was considering whether to invest in professional copywriting support. His business already had a website that was working OK but he felt there was more that could be done.

When we'd first spoken a couple of months ago, he'd been clear that he would be testing the return on any copywriting investment he made before making any significant commitment. Using Google Analytics he intended to compare the performance of the new homepage I would put together with the current page and the results would determine whether he would proceed further.

Today's call was about the results of that test. All of his measures of success had improved with the new page: visits, click-throughs, conversions to calls etc. "Ten out of ten" was his assessment of the impact that the copywriting had had. So we're getting down to work on the rest of the site and a long term relationship is in the offing.

Good copywriting makes a real difference to the success of a website. Don't be afraid to test the quality of any writing that's done for you, but don't be tempted into thinking that any old words will do. You don't know how much business you might be missing out on.

It's not the length that counts

How long should a sentence be? Six months? Ten years? Fifteen to life?

So what's the crime? Trying to say that, in certain situations, there is a "correct" number of words for the space between the opening capital letter and full stop of the grammatical unit we call a sentence. And believe me, there are those who would have you think that certain types of writing (let's say website copy) benefit from "sentences of about 20 words."

There is only one thing to remember when it comes to sentence length: variety.

It would not surprise me if it emerged that the CIA has an advanced form of torture involving the reading out of hundreds of sentences that are all the same length and rhythm. Think you could take it? Here's a test.

"I am going to tell you how to be successful in your business. It is a foolproof method that anyone can follow. There's no catch and nothing to pay upfront. In the pages that follow I'm going to explain how it works. You have to read every sentence for the system to succeed. There are about 500 of these sentences and they are all like this. Lose interest once and you will definitely fail. ..."

OK, OK, I'll tell you anything you want to know! Life is just too short to have to put up with that. Much better to keep your reader interested by simply varying the number of words you use. Shorter sentences can be really effective. Longer sentences are useful for developing ideas, building lists or to highlight what follows. Like this. Easy.

However you do it, vary your sentence length to keep your reader active. It'll be good for both of you.

When writing, two's a crowd ...

Now let's not have any confusion; I'm not suggesting that your next newsletter campaign should involve the painstaking construction of one email after another. No, I'm talking about the picture you have in your mind of who you are writing to, whenever you write.

Almost everything you write is for many people to read (if only in your dreams). You may have an email distribution list of 10,000 addresses or be hoping for 50,000 website hits; either way you will be imagining a healthy audience. Let's assume I'm reading an article you've written that contains the following statement:

"Many of you recognise the need for quality writing in your business."

This may well be true of the group you are communicating with, but that's not the point. What you have done is put me, the reader, in a crowd which is being addressed by the literary equivalent of a megaphone. You've made me feel like a punter at Hyde Park Corner listening to you warble on about your favourite topic. So if it's OK with you, I'm going to walk on; you've obviously got a big enough audience already.

If I hang around long enough, I might consider the point you are trying to make: that some of the readers of your piece don't recognise the need for quality writing. Are you trying to make me feel uncomfortable, an outsider in a self-satisfied group of know-it-alls? Well it's working, and I'm really going this time.

The alternative is simple: talk to one imaginary reader and do it directly and personally. Let your voice be inside her head, speaking to her privately. Not only will it be more effective but you will find your writing becomes more focused. You're showing that you are more interested in your reader than you are in listening to your own voice:

"You recognise the need for quality writing in your business."

That's got my attention now. Whether or not you're right, you are talking to me and me alone. In return I'm going to give you the opportunity to finish what you want to tell me.

One thing to remember: if you have trouble getting a clear mental picture of your reader for a particular piece of writing, then face up to the possibility that you have too many segments of your market in mind. Pick one - your writing will benefit, and the message will resonate much more with your readers. That is exactly the effect you want to have; better the relevant words that make some people listen, than the general words that make everybody walk away.

Is your writing killing your business?

There is a simple fact that everyone in business should grasp. Go to marketing seminars and there is one theme that you will hear time after time:

You must write as widely and as frequently as you can. A lack of writing can be fatal.

Perhaps this needs a little explaining.

The visibility of your business is obviously crucial to its success. The rapport you build with customers, partners, staff, and the marketplace as a whole can have an enormous effect on your ability to turn recognition into sales. Writing allows you to build both visibility and rapport and need not cost any money at all.

The problem for many is that this just doesn't come easily: there's a lack of time or writing confidence, uncertainty about what to write or where, or a struggle to turn ideas into words.

I think everyone can write well, given the tools, so on this blog I'm going to share some of what I've learned about the power of language. I've had a career in business and spent some years writing fiction, so hopefully there'll be some different perspectives on some really relevant issues.

I'll cover a number of important areas, from common writing mistakes, through website and article writing, to techniques for writing with personality. Over time I hope some of the readers of these blogs will share their writing experiences and problems. If any particular themes emerge I'll tackle them in a future post.

All I want to get across in this opener is that writing is something that you should be building into your marketing plan (even if that plan is still in your head because you haven't got round to writing it down yet ...).

Here are three things you may not know about the power that writing has to build your business:

• you can boost your search engine rankings by posting articles and blogs on information-hungry sites across the web and linking back to your website;
  

• editors of industry magazines and newspapers are always looking for informative content to attract and keep readers. This is better than advertising (and free);

• people like to buy from experts, and there is no better way to build that perception of expertise than to be seen in print.

For now though, your business needs you to be a writer. Start today and see what you can achieve.